Ask Kayla Quinn

[September 21, 2007] - Oh my! Throwing away 15 years because things have fallen in to a rut seems like such a waste to me! Hopefully, this can be resolved (or at least improved) by opening up the lines of communication between the two of you. If you're unable to get the ball rolling alone, I do suggest counseling! First off, have you spoken to her about your desires when you are *not* in the bedroom? The reason I ask is simple. Sex is a touchy topic for just about everyone, so is criticism and rejection... by the time you combine all three in one conversation... ugh! Your best tools here are: timing and phrasing. At a time when sex is not on the horizon, so to speak, when there has been no playful banter and when you are NOT in the primary copulation room, bring the subject up gently. Avoid things such as, "You never move, it is like fucking a corpse!" or "Why do I always have to initiate sex?" These types of statements will put your wife on the defensive and lessen your chances of her actually absorbing what you have to say. Instead, phrase things more along the lines of, "I was reminiscing about the time we..... (fill in the blank).... the other day. I miss that playfulness, how can we recapture that?" This says to her: I was thinking about you in a sexual situation, we have had wonderful times which I look forward to more of and I value your input on this. Also, asking what she would like to take from your encounters will help free up the lines of communication. Unsettled arguments or hurt feelings tend to manifest themselves via sex, too. Any resentment might be throwing a monkey-wrench in to your monkey business. This is one of those things that requires having one of those talks that we all dread (but usually benefit from) having. Accepting the "problem" but doing nothing to rectify it, makes your partially liable for it. Cheating will not help at all, you'll just feel worse about yourself. Also, if you have managed to stay together for 15 YEARS, there is obviously a reason and something worth salvaging! Oh! ONE last thing! I am *not* a young hottie! I am 37! ;) Good luck!